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A Kiss Of Shadows :: Гамильтон Лорел
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"I remember the fight, Auntiedearest, but that is not why I left the court. I left because I wasn't going to survive the next duel."
She ignored me. In that moment I realized that she would never believe the worst of her son, not unless forced to beyond any shadow of doubt. I couldn't give her that absolute proof, and without it, I couldn't tell her my suspicions, not without risking myself.
She kept talking about Griffin as if he were the true reason I'd left. "But it was Griffin who began that fight. He, the one who was demanding to know why he wasn't in your bed, in your heart, as before. You'd been chasing him around the court for nights, and now he pursued you. How did you effect such a quick change in him?"
"I refused him my bed." I met her eyes, but there was no amusement in them, just a steady intensity.
"And that was enough to make him pursue you in public like an enraged fishwife?"
"I think he truly believed that I'd forgive him. That I would punish him for a while and then take him back. That last night he finally believed that I meant what I said."
"What did you say?" she asked.
"That he would never be with me again this side of the grave."
Andais looked at me very steadily. "Do you still love him?"
I shook my head. "No."
"But you still have feelings for him." It was not a question.
I shook my head. "Feelings, yes, but nothing good."
"If you still want Griffin, you may have him for another year. If at that time you are not with child, I would ask that you choose someone else."
"I don't want Griffin, not anymore."
"I hear a regret in your voice, Meredith. Are you sure that he is not what you want?"
I sighed, and leaned my hands against the tabletop, staring down at them. I felt hunched and tired. I'd tried very hard not to think about Griff and the fact that I'd see him tonight. "If he could feel for me what I felt for him, if he could truly be as in love with me as I was with him, then I would want him, but he can't. He can't be other than what he is, and neither can I." I looked at her across the small table.
"You may include him in the contest to win your heart, or you may exclude him from the running. It is your decision."
I nodded and stood up straight, no hunching like some kind of wounded rabbit. "Thank you for that, Auntie dearest."
"Why does that fall from your lips like the vilest of insults."
"I mean no insult."
She waved me to silence. "Do not bother, Meredith. There is little affection lost between us. We both know that.
"I remember the fight, Auntiedearest, but that is not why I left the court. I left because I wasn't going to survive the next duel."
She ignored me. In that moment I realized that she would never believe the worst of her son, not unless forced to beyond any shadow of doubt. I couldn't give her that absolute proof, and without it, I couldn't tell her my suspicions, not without risking myself.
She kept talking about Griffin as if he were the true reason I'd left. "But it was Griffin who began that fight. He, the one who was demanding to know why he wasn't in your bed, in your heart, as before. You'd been chasing him around the court for nights, and now he pursued you. How did you effect such a quick change in him?"
"I refused him my bed." I met her eyes, but there was no amusement in them, just a steady intensity.
"And that was enough to make him pursue you in public like an enraged fishwife?"
"I think he truly believed that I'd forgive him. That I would punish him for a while and then take him back. That last night he finally believed that I meant what I said."
"What did you say?" she asked.
"That he would never be with me again this side of the grave."
Andais looked at me very steadily. "Do you still love him?"
I shook my head. "No."
"But you still have feelings for him." It was not a question.
I shook my head. "Feelings, yes, but nothing good."
"If you still want Griffin, you may have him for another year. If at that time you are not with child, I would ask that you choose someone else."
"I don't want Griffin, not anymore."
"I hear a regret in your voice, Meredith. Are you sure that he is not what you want?"
I sighed, and leaned my hands against the tabletop, staring down at them. I felt hunched and tired. I'd tried very hard not to think about Griff and the fact that I'd see him tonight. "If he could feel for me what I felt for him, if he could truly be as in love with me as I was with him, then I would want him, but he can't. He can't be other than what he is, and neither can I." I looked at her across the small table.
"You may include him in the contest to win your heart, or you may exclude him from the running. It is your decision."
I nodded and stood up straight, no hunching like some kind of wounded rabbit. "Thank you for that, Auntie dearest."
"Why does that fall from your lips like the vilest of insults."
"I mean no insult."
She waved me to silence. "Do not bother, Meredith. There is little affection lost between us. We both know that.