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The Stars My Destination ( Tiger! Tiger! ) :: Bester Alfred
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«I'm drowning,Olivia. Throw me a lifeline.»
«Then drown. Nobody ever saved me. No…No. . . This is wrong, all wrong. Wait, my dear. Wait.» She composed herself and began speaking very tenderly. «I could lie, Gully dear, and make you believe it, but I'm going to be honest. There's a simple explanation. I live my own private life. We all do. You do.»
«What's yours?»
«No different from yours . . . from the rest of the world. I cheat, I lie, I destroy . . . like all of us. I'm criminal . . . like all of us.»
«Why? For money? You don't need money.»
«For control . . . power?»
«Not for power.»
«Then why?»
She took a deep breath, as though this truth was the first truth and was crucifying her. «For hatred. . . To pay you back, all of you.»
«For what?»
«For being blind,» she said in a smoldering voice. «For being cheated. For being helpless. . . They should have killed me when I was born. Do you know what it's like to be blind . . . to receive life secondhand? To be dependent, begging, crippled? 'Bring them down to your level,' I told my secret life. 'If you're blind make them blinder. If you're helpless, cripple them. Pay them back. . . all of them.»
«Olivia, you're insane.»
«And you?»
«I'm in love with a monster.»
«We're a pair of monsters.»
«No!»
«No? Not you?» she flared. «What have you been doing but paying the world back, like me? What's your revenge but settling your own private account with bad luck? Who wouldn't call you a crazy monster? I tell you, we're a pair, Gully. We couldn't help falling in love.»
He was stunned by the truth of what she said. He tried on the shroud of her revelation and it fit, clung tighter than the tiger mask tattooed on his face.
«It's true,» he said slowly. «I'm no better than you. Worse. But before God I never murdered six hundred.»
«You're murdering six million.»
«What?»
«Perhaps more. You've got something they need to end the war, and you're holding out.»
«You mean PyrE?»
«Yes.»
«What is it, this bringer of peace, this twenty pounds of miracle that they're fighting for?»
«I don't know, but I know they need it, and I don't care. Yes, I'm being honest now. I don't care. Let millions be murdered. It makes no difference to us. Not to us, Gully, because we stand apart. We stand apart and shape our own world. We're the strong.»
«We're the damned.»
«We're the blessed.
«I'm drowning,Olivia. Throw me a lifeline.»
«Then drown. Nobody ever saved me. No…No. . . This is wrong, all wrong. Wait, my dear. Wait.» She composed herself and began speaking very tenderly. «I could lie, Gully dear, and make you believe it, but I'm going to be honest. There's a simple explanation. I live my own private life. We all do. You do.»
«What's yours?»
«No different from yours . . . from the rest of the world. I cheat, I lie, I destroy . . . like all of us. I'm criminal . . . like all of us.»
«Why? For money? You don't need money.»
«For control . . . power?»
«Not for power.»
«Then why?»
She took a deep breath, as though this truth was the first truth and was crucifying her. «For hatred. . . To pay you back, all of you.»
«For what?»
«For being blind,» she said in a smoldering voice. «For being cheated. For being helpless. . . They should have killed me when I was born. Do you know what it's like to be blind . . . to receive life secondhand? To be dependent, begging, crippled? 'Bring them down to your level,' I told my secret life. 'If you're blind make them blinder. If you're helpless, cripple them. Pay them back. . . all of them.»
«Olivia, you're insane.»
«And you?»
«I'm in love with a monster.»
«We're a pair of monsters.»
«No!»
«No? Not you?» she flared. «What have you been doing but paying the world back, like me? What's your revenge but settling your own private account with bad luck? Who wouldn't call you a crazy monster? I tell you, we're a pair, Gully. We couldn't help falling in love.»
He was stunned by the truth of what she said. He tried on the shroud of her revelation and it fit, clung tighter than the tiger mask tattooed on his face.
«It's true,» he said slowly. «I'm no better than you. Worse. But before God I never murdered six hundred.»
«You're murdering six million.»
«What?»
«Perhaps more. You've got something they need to end the war, and you're holding out.»
«You mean PyrE?»
«Yes.»
«What is it, this bringer of peace, this twenty pounds of miracle that they're fighting for?»
«I don't know, but I know they need it, and I don't care. Yes, I'm being honest now. I don't care. Let millions be murdered. It makes no difference to us. Not to us, Gully, because we stand apart. We stand apart and shape our own world. We're the strong.»
«We're the damned.»
«We're the blessed.