JК
Blue Moon :: Гамильтон Лорел
Страница: 312 из 327I'd paid the price to get here. We'd play it the way I wanted it.
Someone touched my arm, and I jumped so badly I couldn't speak for a second. My heart filled my throat until I couldn't breathe. "Anita, it's Jason. You okay?"
The passenger-side door was open, and Patrick wasn't in sight. I heard movement coming up on my side of the van. It was Nathaniel. He tapped softly on the window. I lowered it.
"Everyone's out of the back," he said.
I nodded.
"Give us a few minutes," Jason said.
Nathaniel went back to the rear of the van without another word. He did follow orders well.
"Talk to me, Anita."
"There's nothing to talk about."
"You keep staring off into space for minutes at a time. You're not even here. We need you for this to work. Daniel and Mrs. Zeeman need you."
My head turned slowly of its own accord, and I glared at him. "I have done my best for them tonight. I have gone above and beyond my personal best for them tonight."
"Until they're safe, it's not over."
"I know that. Don't you think I know that? If I don't get them out alive, then what I did was for nothing."
"And what do you think you did?" he asked.
I shook my head. "You saw."
"I helped hold him down."
"I'm sorry about that."
Jason put a hand on each shoulder and shook me gently. "Damn it, Anita, get a grip. It isn't like you to wallow in the horror. You're a good soldier. You kill and keep going like you're supposed to."
I pushed him away from me. "I tortured a man, Jason. I reduced him to something that writhed on the floor, mewling with terror and pain. And I wanted to do it. I wanted him to hurt because of what they'd done to Charlotte and Daniel. I wanted to do it." I shook my head. "I'll do my bit tonight, but forgive me if it's a little harder to keep going than normal. Forgive me if I'm not superwoman, after all."
"Not superwoman?" he exclaimed, putting a hand on his chest in mock surprise. "You've lied to me all these years!"
It made me smile, and I didn't want to smile. "Stop it."
"Stop what? Cheering you up? Or is life supposed to stop because you did something horrible? I'll tell you the real horrible truth, Anita. No matter what you do or how bad you feel about it, life just goes on. Life doesn't give a fuck that you're sorry or upset or deranged or tormented. Life just goes on, and you gotta go on with it, or sit in the middle of the road and feel sorry for yourself. And I don't see you doing that."
"I am not feeling sorry for myself.
Someone touched my arm, and I jumped so badly I couldn't speak for a second. My heart filled my throat until I couldn't breathe. "Anita, it's Jason. You okay?"
The passenger-side door was open, and Patrick wasn't in sight. I heard movement coming up on my side of the van. It was Nathaniel. He tapped softly on the window. I lowered it.
"Everyone's out of the back," he said.
I nodded.
"Give us a few minutes," Jason said.
Nathaniel went back to the rear of the van without another word. He did follow orders well.
"Talk to me, Anita."
"There's nothing to talk about."
"You keep staring off into space for minutes at a time. You're not even here. We need you for this to work. Daniel and Mrs. Zeeman need you."
My head turned slowly of its own accord, and I glared at him. "I have done my best for them tonight. I have gone above and beyond my personal best for them tonight."
"Until they're safe, it's not over."
"I know that. Don't you think I know that? If I don't get them out alive, then what I did was for nothing."
"And what do you think you did?" he asked.
I shook my head. "You saw."
"I helped hold him down."
"I'm sorry about that."
Jason put a hand on each shoulder and shook me gently. "Damn it, Anita, get a grip. It isn't like you to wallow in the horror. You're a good soldier. You kill and keep going like you're supposed to."
I pushed him away from me. "I tortured a man, Jason. I reduced him to something that writhed on the floor, mewling with terror and pain. And I wanted to do it. I wanted him to hurt because of what they'd done to Charlotte and Daniel. I wanted to do it." I shook my head. "I'll do my bit tonight, but forgive me if it's a little harder to keep going than normal. Forgive me if I'm not superwoman, after all."
"Not superwoman?" he exclaimed, putting a hand on his chest in mock surprise. "You've lied to me all these years!"
It made me smile, and I didn't want to smile. "Stop it."
"Stop what? Cheering you up? Or is life supposed to stop because you did something horrible? I'll tell you the real horrible truth, Anita. No matter what you do or how bad you feel about it, life just goes on. Life doesn't give a fuck that you're sorry or upset or deranged or tormented. Life just goes on, and you gotta go on with it, or sit in the middle of the road and feel sorry for yourself. And I don't see you doing that."
"I am not feeling sorry for myself.